Processing Grief While Executing an Estate
It's important to honor your grief while honoring the deceased's wishes.
Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult things we have to experience, and yet we all go through it. It can be even more difficult if you are processing your grief while simultaneously being the executor of the deceased’s estate. While some may find the distraction welcome, others may find it overwhelming while in the initial pain of the loss. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to feel, and the following tips for processing grief while executing an estate can help the process go more smoothly.
Honor Your Emotions and the Grieving Process
Understand that your grief isn’t going to disappear just because there is estate administration paperwork to be done. Allow yourself to experience whatever emotions arise without judgment. Grief is not only sadness: many people experience shock, anger, bewilderment, fear, guilt, disbelief, or other emotions. Physical symptoms such as fatigue, nausea, insomnia, aches, or weight changes are not uncommon either. There is no “wrong” way to feel after a death, so acknowledge whatever emotions arise.
Also, understand that “recovery” from grief does not mean “going back to how things were before.” Things are never going to be like they were before. While the initial pain of the loss will lessen over time, don’t expect to stop thinking about or missing a person. Most likely, you never will. Don’t let others pressure you to stop feeling the pain, hurry along your grieving process, or tell you that you are grieving “wrong.” Contrary to popular belief, there is no set of steps or timetable that everyone must go through. The grieving process is a long one and will look different for everybody.
Understand the Deceased’s Last Wishes
Ideally, the deceased has ensured that their estate plans are accessible to whoever they have chosen to execute their estate. You will need to gather and read over their estate planning documents, such as the will or trust agreements, before filing with the court. There should be documentation about how they want their assets distributed, and how they want funeral arrangements to be handled. They may have spoken to you in person regarding such things, but their legal documents have more authority.
Make a List of Steps to Take
Estate execution is a complicated process, and it helps to make a list of all the steps to take to ensure that nothing gets missed if your grief becomes overwhelming. This includes notifying family members, gathering documents, making funeral arrangements, distributing assets, and canceling accounts. Organizing your executor duties–or having someone else organize them for you–helps you to fulfill those duties while breaking the steps up into manageable tasks.
Delegate Tasks and Ask For Help
It’s easy to isolate ourselves while in pain, especially when we’re trying to focus on fulfilling the legal obligations for estate administration. However, you don’t have to do it alone. Not only should you reach out to loved ones for help with processing grief and assisting with household chores, you can and should delegate some of your estate administration tasks. People close to you may be awkward or not know what to say, but usually they are eager to help if you tell them how they can.
Inventory and Distribute Assets
In addition to the estate planning documents, you will also need all other important documents pertaining to financial obligations, such as insurance policies, deeds, contracts, and other financial records. You will need to inventory all of the assets to be distributed, including any digital assets. This also includes collecting any money or investments owed to the estate, and paying off and canceling memberships, bills, credit cards, and bank accounts.
Take Breaks When Needed
Grief in and of itself can feel all-consuming. When the duties of estate administration are added on top of that, it can become smothering. There’s a lot to do during the probate process, but those assets are not going to go away if you step away for a day. They’ll still be there to return to if you take some time to yourself. Take a walk, go to a movie, or find some other way to let yourself escape for a time when you need to.
Don’t Be Afraid to Seek Professional Help
While leaning on friends and family may help bring you closer together, sometimes that is not enough. Many people find support groups helpful, as they provide a space to talk with others who are experiencing the same thing. However, don’t be afraid to seek out the help of a mental health professional or therapist if you’re finding that managing the estate while grieving is too much for you.
Remember That It’s OK to Say No
Estate administration is a huge responsibility, and a lot of work. Remember that you are free to decline to take on additional burdens, or to decline the role of executor altogether if you don’t feel up to the task. There’s no shame in delegating someone else to take up the role in your place.